30 days of Writing: Writing Myself Alive

6:45am, Day 1 

30 days of writing #30daysofwriting #writeeverydamnday #writeyourselfalive. Founder of Rebelle Society offered this challenge as a way to reconnect with yourself, a science of the soul experiment. Read all about it! with the full details of the how to’s or to join us on the crusade. 

I’m generally great at the start of a project and 95% of the time, seeing something through to the very end as my duty. When I make a decision to do something, and it involves someone else, follow through is an absolute, a promise. No turning back. Going all out, giving more effort than was required. 

I will admit: I am a cheater. Follow through on a personal goal or commitment made to myself for myself is only less than half the time. This was not always the case. The great shift began post divorce. I recognize that I place unnecessary intense pressure on myself, as most women and single mothers do, regarding finances, time allocated to my children, and obligations I’ve made to everyone else. 

When it comes to me, it's hard to justify time to do things just for the fun of it. And, when I do, this bizarre guilt creeps in. Knowing I have to take care of me and do things that make me feel alive while still feeling the gnawing that I could or should be doing something else, for someone else is a tug of war within that overwhelms me. 

A powerful choleric, pitta by nature, I have more ideas than I can possibly accomplish in my lifetime. When someone shares an problem or need with me, like a cartoon bubble above my head, I can see at least a dozen solutions on how to solve it immediately. I usually discern, though that people don’t want to be fixed or told how to succeed. Humans tend to want to figure it out on their own, or they want you to do it with them or for them. 

The energy to do it? I have very little. As delegator, I would be most happy if I had a mini empire with a vast number of wonder women to follow through with all my wild schemes and visions of personal utopia. Anyone want to join me? I have a few ideas...

I know I should give myself some slack. Just to prove it to myself, I'm jotting down a little overview of this past week:

3 yoga private sessions, 3 Thai yoga massages, 3 public classes

1 chemo treatment for son #2

1 shopping spree with sons #1 & 2 to buy supplies for school, movies (for couch potato time after chemo) and fruit on a stick from a mamak stall

3 grocery runs (I have a weird rule of only buying what I can actually carry home, which means 2 bags at a time. Then, I’m only buying what we need, not want.) 

2 AcroYoga practices with friends

5 hours in the car 

21 handstands in the kitchen

1 parent/teacher meeting

30 pushups a day in my bathroom

0 yoga asana on my mat

7 half hour walks with Eddie, the dog, aka son #3

10 15 minute walks with Eddie

5 letters of gratitude for the #365 days of gratitude via sent via snail mail to extraordinarily beautiful souls

45+ hours online: class planning, emails, skype calls, proposals and planning for future travel, workshops & retreats, Facebook, Twitter, Meetup… 

42 hours of sleep

12 hours of homework with son #1

1 order of pizza take away

0 hours of TV 

0 hours of taxes

44 minutes of cumulative reading from a real (as opposed to virtual) book in various places: car, bathroom, dining room

4 minutes noticing the sunrise view from my condo 

And, now 60 minutes of writing of which 22 minutes spent with a cuddling son #2

When I break it down like this, it seems doltish to be hard on myself. (I am avoiding the word "stupid" as I preach to my sons to never call themselves stupid. For years, they both thought it was a "naughty" curse word and would tattle on anyone who said it.) 

Son #2 wasn’t surprised by my list. He said he thought I spent most of my day on my computer posting about yoga, classes, and stuff so I can earn money to take care of him. Someone hand me a tissue, please.

My commitment to this project? I will begin. I am not a fan of the word TRY. I cringe when I hear it. There is no try, only do, as Yoda says. You might as well say the Truth: you’d like to but you will most likely not. 

The blog will only feature the highlights as I travel, but there is no trying to do it. Simply, consider it done. 

Writing myself alive.