Perfectly Flawed

“I like flaws and feel more comfortable around people who have them. I myself am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.” ~ Augusten Burroughs

I slept with my clothes on again last night. I crawled into bed at 3pm and woke up to the sound of a call on my computer 5 hours later and immediately went back to bed. Jet lag is winning over my ability to pry my eyes open.

Children away busy with their dad, gave me an the chance to settle back in to life here in KL. Intermittently scanning Facebook for traces of home (Texas) and completely absorbed in the book Wild, it seems I'd rather do anything but what I need to do (promote my retreats, organize my finances, unpack.... ) A voice in my head whispers, all of this can wait. 

I am in a new mode: take care of myself. 

***

Come, come whoever you are-- wanderer- worshiper, lover of leaving, what does it matter? Ours is not a caravan of despair. Come even if you have broken your vow a hundred times, come, come again, come. ~ Rumi

Today, rising before the sun, I feel the weight of unfinished tasks. Life does not stop thrusting forward just because you have filled your day to overflowing. "White space. Where is the white space in your calendar?" I can hear one of my dear friends saying who always appears to be relaxed. How does she manage it all? She claims she's not perfect and knows she cannot do it all. The most important thing is conquered and then she enjoys her day, allowing things to be undone. Undone.

Life, however muddled and undone at times, is too sacred, too full of possibilities to worry over whether you got it all in or did it perfectly.

Most of my most goals, agendas and to do lists are hand written, self driven opportunities to strive toward something. Why do I strive so much?

"Life's meaning can be found not in a few great deeds but in thousands of little ones." That's what I've always thought. Life is in the details. The thank you notes, the remembrances of birthdays, the smiles to strangers, the offering of yourself in service when you can, as you can. 

But maybe, just maybe, it's also about me. I have for so long felt like I was the one upholding certain friendships and relationships... the glue that kept my family together for so long. And, now, NOW is the time to look after myself. 

***

Stop searching for meaning and be happy, I tell myself. When I keep looking for a greater purpose or toward the future, I'm struck by the fact that there is no sure thing. The future will continue to throw me curve balls no matter how meticulously I plan.

This morning I sought silence. Uncomfortable. Uneasy. Edging myself up onto a floor cushion, I sat still for a very long, excruciating 10 minutes. I let my mind chase topics, run around issues, form lists, tackle monsters, and finally just before the timer went off... I pictured the mind-chasers dissolving into a clear blue sky. 

Rather than unraveling, the threads that hold me together remained in tact. Feeling the rawness of my flaws, I begin to see that I am perfectly imperfect. 

A calm washed over me. An audible sigh released from my lips. Moments of clarity. Beyond what I can see, what I feel, there is the endless Sun. There is this present moment that I choose to take care of myself in a way that I have not in a very long time. 

I am coming into the stage of being less able to accomplish and more able to enjoy. And that, along with loving and being loved are all the supplies I need to begin my journey into self care.