I've been in a bit of a battle with the many voices in my head while attempting to allow the flow of life to happen rather than the illusion of trying to control it. The depth of loneliness that comes with trying to orchestrate all the details of your life is sometimes hard to wrap my head around. I find creating budgets and organizing my calendar of work empowering yet unfulfilling.
“But it seemed to me that this was the way we all lived: full to the brim with gratitude and joy one day, wrecked on the rocks the next. Finding the balance between the two was the art and the salvation.” ~ Elizabeth Berg from "The Year of Pleasures"
I try to go back to the source, looking for the Truth. Throwing out all the lists of what I should do. "I just need to be still," I tell myself. Can I sit with the sensations that come with my tears? Can I allow the people who have flowed in and out of my life to be the human support that I seek? Can I just be OK with it as life is right now, in this very moment?
Sometimes the answer is yes, and I am strong and feel almost invincible. Often the answer is no. I don't know how to navigate life as gracefully as I once did, and certainly not alone.
The reality of Truth is not to be bought, to be sold, to be repeated,it cannot be caught in books. It has to be found from moment to moment,in the smile, in the tear, under the dead leaf, in the vagrant thought, in thefullness of LOVE. ~ Krishnamurti
Instead of running away or creating distractions, I begin to change my story. I'm crafting it new every morning. Releasing the belief that I am unworthy of great love or too small to accomplish something so wonderful. I take a deep breath and just ... do IT ---- following my heart in pursuit of the fullness of LOVE. Somebody said, you have to jump off the cliff all the time and build your wings on the way down. I'm ready to earn my wings.
For a New Beginning
In out-of-the-way places of the heart,
Where your thoughts never think to wander,
This beginning has been quietly forming,
Waiting until you were ready to emerge.
For a long time it has watched your desire,
Feeling the emptiness growing inside you,
Noticing how you willed yourself on,
Still unable to leave what you had outgrown.
It watched you play with the seduction of safety
And the gray promises that sameness whispered,
Heard the waves of turmoil rise and relent,
Wondered would you always live like this.
Then the delight, when your courage kindled,
And out you stepped onto new ground,
Your eyes young again with energy and dream,
A path of plenitude opening before you.
Though your destination is not yet clear
You can trust the promise of this opening;
Unfurl yourself into the grace of beginning
That is at one with your life's desire.
Awaken your spirit to adventure;
Hold nothing back, learn to find ease in risk;
Soon you will be home in a new rhythm,
For your soul senses the world that awaits you.
~ John O'Donohue