Perfectly Flawed

“I like flaws and feel more comfortable around people who have them. I myself am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.” ~ Augusten Burroughs

I slept with my clothes on again last night. I crawled into bed at 3pm and woke up to the sound of a call on my computer 5 hours later and immediately went back to bed. Jet lag is winning over my ability to pry my eyes open.

Children away busy with their dad, gave me an the chance to settle back in to life here in KL. Intermittently scanning Facebook for traces of home (Texas) and completely absorbed in the book Wild, it seems I'd rather do anything but what I need to do (promote my retreats, organize my finances, unpack.... ) A voice in my head whispers, all of this can wait. 

I am in a new mode: take care of myself. 

***

Come, come whoever you are-- wanderer- worshiper, lover of leaving, what does it matter? Ours is not a caravan of despair. Come even if you have broken your vow a hundred times, come, come again, come. ~ Rumi

Today, rising before the sun, I feel the weight of unfinished tasks. Life does not stop thrusting forward just because you have filled your day to overflowing. "White space. Where is the white space in your calendar?" I can hear one of my dear friends saying who always appears to be relaxed. How does she manage it all? She claims she's not perfect and knows she cannot do it all. The most important thing is conquered and then she enjoys her day, allowing things to be undone. Undone.

Life, however muddled and undone at times, is too sacred, too full of possibilities to worry over whether you got it all in or did it perfectly.

Most of my most goals, agendas and to do lists are hand written, self driven opportunities to strive toward something. Why do I strive so much?

"Life's meaning can be found not in a few great deeds but in thousands of little ones." That's what I've always thought. Life is in the details. The thank you notes, the remembrances of birthdays, the smiles to strangers, the offering of yourself in service when you can, as you can. 

But maybe, just maybe, it's also about me. I have for so long felt like I was the one upholding certain friendships and relationships... the glue that kept my family together for so long. And, now, NOW is the time to look after myself. 

***

Stop searching for meaning and be happy, I tell myself. When I keep looking for a greater purpose or toward the future, I'm struck by the fact that there is no sure thing. The future will continue to throw me curve balls no matter how meticulously I plan.

This morning I sought silence. Uncomfortable. Uneasy. Edging myself up onto a floor cushion, I sat still for a very long, excruciating 10 minutes. I let my mind chase topics, run around issues, form lists, tackle monsters, and finally just before the timer went off... I pictured the mind-chasers dissolving into a clear blue sky. 

Rather than unraveling, the threads that hold me together remained in tact. Feeling the rawness of my flaws, I begin to see that I am perfectly imperfect. 

A calm washed over me. An audible sigh released from my lips. Moments of clarity. Beyond what I can see, what I feel, there is the endless Sun. There is this present moment that I choose to take care of myself in a way that I have not in a very long time. 

I am coming into the stage of being less able to accomplish and more able to enjoy. And that, along with loving and being loved are all the supplies I need to begin my journey into self care. 

I've been in a bit of a battle with the many voices in my head while attempting to allow the flow of life to happen rather than the illusion of trying to control it. The depth of loneliness that comes with trying to orchestrate all the details of your life is sometimes hard to wrap my head around. I find creating budgets and organizing my calendar of work empowering yet unfulfilling. 

“But it seemed to me that this was the way we all lived: full to the brim with gratitude and joy one day, wrecked on the rocks the next. Finding the balance between the two was the art and the salvation.” ~ Elizabeth Berg from "The Year of Pleasures"

I try to go back to the source, looking for the Truth. Throwing out all the lists of what I should do. "I just need to be still," I tell myself. Can I sit with the sensations that come with my tears? Can I allow the people who have flowed in and out of my life to be the human support that I seek? Can I just be OK with it as life is right now, in this very moment? 

Sometimes the answer is yes, and I am strong and feel almost invincible. Often the answer is no. I don't know how to navigate life as gracefully as I once did, and certainly not alone. 

The reality of Truth is not to be bought, to be sold, to be repeated,it cannot be caught in books. It has to be found from moment to moment,in the smile, in the tear, under the dead leaf, in the vagrant thought, in thefullness of LOVE. ~ Krishnamurti

Instead of running away or creating distractions, I begin to change my story. I'm crafting it new every morning. Releasing the belief that I am unworthy of great love or too small to accomplish something so wonderful. I take a deep breath and just ... do IT ---- following my heart in pursuit of the fullness of LOVE. Somebody said, you have to jump off the cliff all the time and build your wings on the way down. I'm ready to earn my wings. 

For a New Beginning In out-of-the-way places of the heart, Where your thoughts never think to wander, This beginning has been quietly forming, Waiting until you were ready to emerge. For a long time it has watched your desire, Feeling the emptiness growing inside you, Noticing how you willed yourself on, Still unable to leave what you had outgrown. It watched you play with the seduction of safety And the gray promises that sameness whispered, Heard the waves of turmoil rise and relent, Wondered would you always live like this. Then the delight, when your courage kindled, And out you stepped onto new ground, Your eyes young again with energy and dream, A path of plenitude opening before you. Though your destination is not yet clear You can trust the promise of this opening; Unfurl yourself into the grace of beginning That is at one with your life's desire. Awaken your spirit to adventure; Hold nothing back, learn to find ease in risk; Soon you will be home in a new rhythm, For your soul senses the world that awaits you. ~ John O'Donohue