And yet, the only the thing we have is this precious moment. We cannot pack the future into our suitcase, like we can mementos of our past.
I journal and document with photos because I fear I will forget my past. My memory is sketchy at best. And, I tend to recall only the vivid seconds that make my heart pound with dread or joy. Will I one day forget the name of the flower that was in my grandmother's hat at my wedding and smells like fresh morning after the rains? Or the name of the fruit that I ate in Thailand until it stained my fingers a bright red as I pried the hard shell open? Will I remember what my beloved looks like or how his face feels after a shave?
So I write and remember. As I read the words, my own history, I evoke how deeply I felt in that very moment.
I was lovingly reminded today by a new friend that there is only here and now (Eckhart Tolle). Speculating about the future only invites anxiousness and fear. When I hold back from making plans, is it so I do not have to choose? Am I waiting for God, luck or "the Universe" to unfold my plans for me? Why is making a choice so hard?
I found that living in indecision was slowly chipping away at my soul. As soon as I moved forward, fear was replaced by a sense of conviction and a clarity that revealed my path was there all along. As if there was a trail guide clearing the path with a machete, one swift cut at a time. The only thing visible through the jungle vines was the very next step.
As I view the life that surrounds me here in Thailand, I am reminded of the words of Marcel Proust. "The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes...but in having new eyes." It is with these new eyes that time feels infinite, with no past or future.
"Open up the broken cup
Let goodly sin and sunshine in
Yes that's today."
~ Things Behind the Sun by Nick Drake