There is uneasy dialog in my head that sounds like a nagging wife. She is perpetually seeking to my mask flaws. She scrutinizes my reflection in the mirror, comparing and judging my body. I imagine that all eyes are on me and what I cannot do. But as I glance around, I realize I am hallucinating again. No one is actually looking at me.
I suddenly recognize that I've invited my bulging ego and her nagging wife to the party, and I stop. A soothing voice begins to wash over me. It's one I recognize. She's the grandmother of the nagging wife. The voice of wisdom, she is love. I can hear her in the teachings and affirmations of my teacher, the loyal reassurance of my friends, and more often than not lately in melodic tones of some of my favorite songs. She's my soul-keeper who reminds me what it is to love myself and to be loved.
My practice reveals areas within me that require growth. (A strong understatement.) When I work in pairs or in groups there is no hiding flaws. My ability to support someone is clear from the moment they pour their weight onto my feet. I feel vulnerable. The need to be open and reopened foams at the surface of my thoughts.
"If you are afraid of courting change, you will stay safe but closed to life."- E Lesser
I've been resisting change lately which only seems to make the evolution of my life exhausting. How do I learn to stand in the midst of change, pain, or what feels like rejection and still be open and receptive to what comes? Life should be a spiritual practice rooted in love.
"Partings are inherent in all meetings. All relationships eventually end. Know this truth and love fiercely right now."-J Lasater
Today I am not fighting her voice. I'm sitting in the midst of what is happening and allowing it to shape me and bathing in the knowledge that love is stronger than the legs I base with and not dependent on my skills on or off the mat. Knowing when I face my fears, there is nothing that I could go through that I cannot come through to the other side. Life intertwined with love is a spiritual practice. And, yes it feels good, if not impossible.
"Consider the possibility that you are loved... very universally loved, and that the only change you need to make is to hear it." - E Warnicke