Travel and teaching. I love it. Thrive on it. It makes me feel alive and by now, it's certainly no surprise to anyone who knows me. However, last week. I teetered on the edge of exhaustion and certainly not for the first time, extreme mommy guilt.
Not able to sleep all night, I tossed and turned and dreamt of 101 ways I could possibly leave the remote Indian Reservation where the Yoga Conference I was attending was held. An all day trek to arrive, it would be even more challenging to leave on a Saturday (airport and rental car places closed on Saturdays?!). I had a strong intuitive feeling I just needed to be home which I don't get very often. I trust and know that my kids are very well cared for while I'm away teaching and training. The sensation of needing, wanting to be home was stronger than I've ever had. After my sleepless night, I found out son #2 spent the afternoon in the ER after a pillow fight escalated into a crash into the sharp edge of the coffee table. #1 son, at the same age 5 years ago, also had a trip to the ER with 5 stitches above his right eye and a small scar for a souvenir. After what felt like something out of Planes, Trains and Automobiles, I was able to come home a day early and spend the afternoon and evening with my boys.
Sitting in a coffee shop, getting properly caffeinated by a man in a "who's your sugar daddy" t-shirt, it is another weekend away, and I'm trying to find my inner peace among the inner demons.
My culprit this weekend is not mommy guilt. The latest perpetuators are: Inadequate, Overdrawn and Scattered.
Inadequate. While all body types are welcome in yoga, there is a definite fine line in Acro Yoga of who wants to work with who based on not only your skill level but your size. Today I feel like a whale. And, when I start to go shopping down that junk food isle for the brain, I tell myself "I am enough." I stood outside this morning looked at the harbor and shouted at my inner demon: Be OK with who you are today, damn it! Even if I just hallucinate it to be so.
Overdrawn. More giving and supporting than receiving makes a girl feel zapped. Some stunning bohemian yogi came up to me after class and said, I'd like to meet you. We chatted about Thailand and her family and life... all while she massaged my hand. I began to cry. I'm usually the one take the hand of the person I'm talking to, a habit I started this summer after my Thai massage course. To tenderly receive from a stranger was moving and sweet. I need more of that in my life.
Scattered. Hands so full of things I needed for the day, I set my coffee cup set upon the roof of the car. Quickly pulling out onto the road, we heard the heard the shattering of the mug. My drug, caffeine, immediately absorbed into the concrete and the shards of porcelain scattered along the road.
Breathing in, I take an hour to journal this morning. And, immediately, those thoughts of inadequacy, being overdrawn and scattered begin to dissolve the cavity they were forming my mind.
I shared with my classes this week, on how yoga allows me to let go of these labels I give myself. No one else is worried about what I think about myself. No one is thinking the same harmful thoughts toward myself that I am. So why do I entertain them?
All that I am, all I desire to become, is beauty. Not outward beauty, because god knows that fades as fast as the sun.
Getting up, walking toward the sunrise, all I feel is Radiant Light.