A gorgeous weekend of yoga, new friends, lots of fresh fruit (thank you, ED!) & food, and restorative relaxation. Of course the first thing I do when I get home... journal, download photos and then make a mix of music. : ) I had a bit of a realization on my drive home this weekend after the retreat. It's almost as if I'm trying to script my life. We all have this internal movie in our minds of our life. We remember, rewind what we did yesterday or years ago or even project and visualize what might happen next. Am I writing, journaling, taking notes, for fear of forgetting or for the need to remember and reflect?
Photos... I've always taken photos. I have about 15 albums from birth to high school and countless more from college onward. I used to "scrap book" in college as a way to avoid studying- cutting words and photos from magazines to make collages. After the birth of my second child, all I can seem to do is take the photos and somewhat organize them on my computer. I don't print anything out anymore unless it's to give to family. Even then, I just post it on the blog. Blogging is the new virtual photo album, I suppose.
And, music. There's a mix for every significant event -- my latest one "almost summer" has Noah and the Whales, Terror Pigeon Dance Revolt, David Newman, Speech Debelle, the National, XX, Florance and the Machine... and some new songs (thanks Mandy!) Duet by Rachel Yamagota, My foolish heart by Krishna Das, Ego Tripping by the Flaming Lips, and Peace of mind by Nina Simone.
Maybe I'm avoiding what I think might be the hard work of moving forward. At times I feel like I'm standing in a whirl pool, with life swirling around me and if I stand very still, all will be OK. If I move, I might cause waves of uncertanity which is just fear taking hold of my ankles.
Something Lauran's sweet mom said this weekend had a big impact on me. I asked her what techniques she uses when she works with her Alzheimer's patients (she's an Occupational Therapist and massage therapist). She said, you just stay in the present moment. (of course) Ask them about something in the room or something happening right now, and they can answer. Ask about the past or future and they stumble and feel confused. The present moment is the key.
I focus on the memories for fear of forgetting and as an avoidance technique for the harder work of moving on. To move on you have to live now. "The most common terminal situation is everyday life". And, the road to healing is to realize that you can go beyond the veils around the heart, peeling them back layer by layer and find joy. Not happiness but real joy. Looking beyond what you think you are and realizing you're something more.
"The beginning of the path of healing is the ending of a life unlived."-- Stephen Levine